I won't let you love me.

baby heart th(rob)

2010-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

your lips are my therapy
your hips are perscription knock out
second hand smoke and mirrors

feels like we've been here for years
runaways from sheets and into beds
ive been around the world and back
always getting lost in the black of my eyes

maps got me lost
the compass in my chest has me found
lets set sail for morning
once my eyes flutter close.

it's more about the love than the lust
it's more about the why then the how
xo

Comic Con

2010-07-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

perfect happiness

So last weekend we went to comic con. I thought I'd post a few of the pictures that best capture the madness of comic con. If you haven't been, I'd highly suggest it. We saw panels for Dexter, Glee and the new Twisted Metal game. But the hightlight (with regards to panels) was hands down the new Tommy Wiseau movie. I don't want to spoil it, but let's just say October cannot come soon enough.

Pizza Party (in a box)

Joey Grecko (post stabbing)

Bumblebeeeeeeeeee

I got the chance to meet IJustine...who's a blogger that I've followed for awhile. Super nice and told awesome stories about getting to guest star on Law and Order: SVU

The might hammer of Thor!

This is a bank. As well as being the greatest thing ever!

If you haven't seen the movie "The Room", please do yourself a favor. Google it, and find the nearest midnight showing and go. This is a cut out mask of the leading force behind it, Tommy Wiseau. I cannot begin to describe how insane that dude is.

No good deed goes unnoticed

2010-07-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

Invisible Children is a group that I've known about for several years. I first became exposed to the video when I was in college, and I've managed to turn a few of my friends on to it over the years. It's a cause that I really believe in, and I wish more people were aware of it.

Sadly, Nate Henn, a "roadie" for the program, was tragically killed while working in Uganda. He was my age...which really hits home.

"Last night at the Do Something Awards I wore a personally designed “I HEART NATE HENN” Shirt to show my love and respect for Nate, who was tragically killed in a terrorist attack in Uganda. Nate was a great dude who worked for Invisible Children and it’s horrible that a random act of violence took away such a bright and awesome guy. If you’d like to do something, please honor Nate and donate to his memorial fund at www.NateHenn.com"

via Pete Wentz's blog www.petewentz.com

If you get a chance, please head over to either invisiblechildren.com or natehenn.com to learn more and get involved in any way that you can.

take a chance at being real

2010-07-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

we all need something to believe in. to keep hearts beating a little bit too fast.

believe in broken bones. and learn how to heal.
believe in blood. make your scars stories to tell when you get old.
believe in guts. and the way you can take a punch to them but never give up

it's too easy to give up. to give in. i've outgrown the easy route. threw out the map that kept me stuck there. get lost and found. the truth of the matter is that i struggle every single day with myself. the trick to keeping your head in the clouds is getting lost inside the machine that beats away.

make yourself happy. it doesn't happen for free.
make an effort to smile about something every single day.
love someone or something. love it till you can't anymore. than go above and beyond. give into passion(s).

take a chance at being real.

What's good in your life today?

2010-07-03T02:58:00.000-07:00

For the last several months, I've been listening to David Stein's radio show every night on my way home from work. It's a sports show with a unique twist. It's more focused on the relationships and benefits sports have brought people.

I've never written into a show, or ever wanted to for that matter. But for the last few days I've been composting a letter that I am sending in.

David,

I’ve never written to or contacted someone or something that I’m a fan of before. It’s just not something I’ve ever felt the need to do. Yet here I am, composing a letter to you, and your show. Unreal.

I’ve had a few constants in life. A great family, a love of the Boston Red Sox, and a brain that just is a bit off. I’ve been clinically diagnosed with everything from insomnia, to major depression, and social anxiety, to permanent jet lag. I prefer to think of things as “unique”. Somedays everything works the ways they’re supposed to, and other days the chemicals are just too much for me. It’s the hand I’ve been dealt.

In September of last year, I moved away from my childhood home in St. Louis, Missouri, and moved across to the country to Phoenix Arizona, to be with the girl of my dreams. Thankfully after living together for almost a year, she’s still crazy about me, and I’m crazy about her. I have a job that I love, and things have been going relatively well for me, with regards to the way my life is going. But I still have days where I wake up and I feel like a monster.

For about 8 weeks earlier this year, I was near psychotic. I destroyed relationships, and very nearly almost lost everything I’ve ever held important. I leave work at midnight, and when I’m leaving your show comes on the air. I stumbled across it one night, and I’ve been an avid listener ever since.

The word fate gets thrown around a lot, and really, without reason. I happen to turn on a sports radio station and listen to a sports radio show. That part isn’t surprising. What is surprising, is how much this show has changed me (for the better of course!) I’ve learned that although my brain my not always function the way I’d like it to, the chemicals cannot effect the way my heart beats. I’ve learned to take pride in myself, and finds things that make me feel good about being a person again.

For what it’s worth, I’m always going to be a fan of the show. And someday when you do a show about the Red Sox, I’ll be sure to call in. But the real thing the show has taught me is how to be a fan of yourself. “What’s good in your life?” is the question you ask most callers when they get in. I ask myself that question every morning when I get out of bed, regardless of how much I may or may not want to. Not because I want to, but because I need to.

I’m more than the chemical in-balances.

That’s what’s good in my life.

Now like I said earlier, this is the first time I’ve ever done any sort of writing like this. I can imagine that you get lots of emails, and just hoping that you’ll read this is enough for me. But there is a part of me that hopes to hear something back. Either way, I’ll be listening.

Go Red Sox!

Andrew

andrew@andrewjoemorris.com

Remember...no matter what. YOU are always more than your chemical in-balances.

from the playbook

2010-06-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

i used a cheap love you and turned it into an even cheaper fuck (you)

oh, you'll see

2010-06-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

ou don't know how much I adore
this damp rag soaked in chloroform
It makes me so hard to ignore
cause I could never keep your attention
I'm not one to make threats
I've been reduced to promises
I lie to myself cause I do it best
I'm not honest with my intentions

So if the blindfold starts to slip
and the rope starts to rip
and I slowly start to give in
girl, you know I'm sorry

But tonight I'll wait until I know you're fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

you'll see

Girl you're busy and that's fine
but there's one thing I gotta get off my mind
I won't take too much of your time
I promise this won't last long
I used to be your biggest fan,
you used to say I was your man
Now if I can't have you no one can
I'll be the last boy you hang up on

So if the blindfold starts to slip
and the rope starts to rip
and I slowly start to give in
girl, you know I'm sorry

But tonight I'll wait until I know you're fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

oh you'll see

She's losing consciousness
I'm gaining confidence
It's starting to make sense
She's covered in finger prints
From her lips to her hips
All I wanted was one more kiss

She's losing consciousness
I'm gaining confidence
It's starting to make sense
She's covered in finger prints
From her lips to her hips
All I wanted was one more kiss

Tonight I'll wait until I know you're fast asleep
to poison you with memories of you and me
I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see

note to self

2010-06-14T02:23:00.001-07:00

i've got a pharmaceutical wish list.

I feel brand new again

2010-06-09T02:34:00.000-07:00

in·spi·ra·tion

–noun

an inspiring or animating action or influence: I cannot writepoetry without inspiration.

something inspired, as an idea.

a result of inspired activity.

a thing or person that inspires.

Theology .

a divine influence directly and immediately exertedupon the mind or soul.

the divine quality of the writings or words of a personso influenced.

the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.

the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.

rip

2010-06-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

from this:

to this:

rest in peace emo hair cut. we barely knew ya

re(inspire)

2010-05-19T03:08:00.001-07:00

Fall Out Boy-"Hum Hallelujah"

It's all a game of this or that, now versus then
better off against worse for wear
And you’re someone who knows someone who knows someone I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine
You are the dreamer and we are the dream.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

My words are my faith to hell with our good name.
A remix of your guts-your insides X-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
we're a bull, your ears are just a china shop

I love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
(Hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah), hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah))

A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
Love in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

greatness

2010-05-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

put you life on hold for about 8 minutes and remember how great this is

">

got lost in the stars

2010-05-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

weightless

but not quite worthless

a map without a compass

2010-05-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

I was neck deep in madness for 8 weeks. It’s only now that since I’ve been “clean” so to speak that I’ve been able to figure out what exactly has happened and how many bodies lay behind me.

I’m going to attempt to digest and interpret the past 8 weeks with my best educated guess as to where the time and my head ventured. I’m using receipts and my bread crumbs back to whatever happened. Most of these stories will be in my first zine that should be available sometime late spring/early summer.

This isn’t going to be fun. It certainly won’t make much sense. Chronologically speaking, it’s out of total order. But it happened. It shook me to my core and turned my entire world inside out.

This isn’t for you.

This is for me.

mindless self indulgence

2010-05-04T03:19:00.001-07:00

not an original idea. but not a bad idea either.

the eyes are the give away. they are dull and faded from past glory.

2010-04-27T03:20:00.000-07:00

my eyes write eulogies my head cannot possibly cash. exhausted and desperate. my wrists are simply landing points and extraction zones for the blades and second chances. Die alone in an unmarked grave for an unremarkable life. I'm tired of the diagnosis, I simply want a prognosis of how to make this better. Remind the doctors that the clock is ticking. I don't have forever.

I

Am

Not

Well

in a world gone mad

2010-04-26T02:06:00.000-07:00

all we've got is the madness to hang onto

I'm not Okay (I promise)

2010-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

thanks to you

2010-04-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to figure out who I am.

This is the beginning.

surgically i'm a mess

2010-04-15T03:15:00.000-07:00

Tearing out my hair
on a bedroom floor
empty all the meds
never anymore
for sure
throbbing in my flesh
breaking out in scarlet sores
therapy I've been enslaved
I think I'll medicate this rage

So now I've crossed the line
(tearing out my hair on a bedroom floor)

Fixing up the drugs
with a tiny flame
put 'em in my lungs
and forget my name
I blame my parents for molesting me
with self-fulfilling prophecies
the teacher for indulging me
his shit dressed up in fury, fear and shame
">

So now I've crossed the line
(put 'em in my lungs and forget my name)

High and I'll drive
I'll get high and I'll drive

If I were the keys
then where would I be
if it's up to me
then I will be free
if I were the keys
then where would I be
if it's up to me
then I will be free

yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

the mirror broke from my gaze. i am the eye of the hurricane

2010-04-14T03:08:00.001-07:00

"Isn't it crazy how the same things that keep you ticking are also what keeps breaking you down"

-pw

dead ends

2010-04-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

are the new future plans. i couldn't see you coming before, but the forecast is for another heavy dose of madness. this is who i'm meant to be. paid the therapist off so I could sneak out of your line of vision. we are the future mr and mrs hurricanes.

till death do us part(y)

38° 45' N 90° 23' W

2010-04-06T03:34:00.000-07:00

neurologically impaired
my physics are scared
the phisiology of madness
i love the way it feels
wedding dress blues
honey(over)the moon.
all is not well in my present state (of mind)

carry me to the ICU

2010-04-05T02:31:00.000-07:00

my head is completly, and utterly missing. I'm at a loss. This is the worst I've ever felt. I'm a liability to everyone I know.

Here's your warning. Things will never be the same.

the dna was all wrong

2010-04-03T01:57:00.001-07:00

This is an open apology. I’m sorry for being screwed up. My DNA takes precidence over my will to fight the chemicals inside my brain. I’m a mess. I’m scars. I’m not worth my weight in gold. I feel so empty on days when things should matter. The only thing I’ve got to look forward to is the day when things will stop moving so quickly. I’d give anything for this madness to take a vacation. Or better yet, I need a vacation from my madness. This sadness is defenying. I can no longer make sense of days or weeks. The compass that points my head back to me is spinning and I have no idea how to stop any of this. It’s a slipper slope. They say the age of 25 is when the beginning of the end happens for people like us. I need the light at the end of the tunnel. Regardless of consequence, I’m a disaster zone. This is not a good moment for me. Life until this point has been a series of casulties one following another. You can’t get away from the epicenter of my destruction. I will break everything and everyone down.

It’s not that you couldn’t handle me.

It’s more of not being able to be handled by someone like you.

I’m sorry.

i'm (home)sick

2010-04-02T02:01:00.000-07:00

pack me up
body bags
boarding pass ready
this casket feels so much more like home

ive lost my mind

2010-04-01T02:23:00.000-07:00

in between a few grains of sand
this place never changes
i've lost my center
get me out of my head
rotten to the core

true life

2010-04-01T02:18:00.001-07:00

sometimes burning bridges is the only way to ensure you won't return to unhealthy situations.

i'm at ease with this disease

2010-03-30T02:22:00.001-07:00

i’m at ease with my disease. my bones are skin is just a clever disguise for my decaying heart. I dread seeing tomorrow through the hollowed out eyes that stare back at me from the bathroom mirror. Candy land-pharmacy style. I don’t have any place to call home. I’m an orphan. Homesick from hospital waiting rooms. Cardiac arrest me and throw away the keys. I weave lies like the lastest fashion. Hang yourself from the rafters of this shattered dream. I share my secrets with the white noise in my ears. Same sob story, same sob channel. Signed, sealed and delivered from my wrists to your lungs.

there's always you

2010-03-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

Cokie The Clown

2010-03-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.pinpointmusic.com/cokie-the-clown-sxsw-2010-fat-mike/

to you. fuck you.

2010-03-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

rage. it's a chemical mixture like you could never understand. normal is boring. i'm extrodinarly fucked. my teeth rattle. my head is sideways. shaken not stirred. broken but not bending. we believe in love based on being real. not love based on obligation. i get lost and found more than i'm aware of the day of the week. i'm misery left unattended. this is what you get when you mix fire and reason. this is another way to say goodbye sanity, hello me. disenfranchised from life. disconnected from you.

please hang up. your phone call cannot be completed as dialed. please try again.

you're the moon i'm the dream of weightlessness

2010-03-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

The blood in my veins tells me that I’m not the same without you. The static in my ears only reminds me of the way you used to say my name.

She is madness

She is beauty

She is everything in between

She is completely overwhelming.

I’m a full moon, you eclipse me.

getting lost in the prescription of perception

2010-03-23T01:45:00.000-07:00

there are noises everywhere. inside my eyelids. behind my smiles. monsters and aliens. we dont belong anywhere but behind the steering wheel. race car head. cant stop my teeth from spinning. embrace the taste of madness. the doctor couldn't reach behind my head and pull out the darkness. the feel of linoleum is all too familiar. i like the taste of bathroom floors. i don't like the face in the mirror, but i adore the way you see me. getting lost is all the rage (inside my bones). i dilated my eyes just to make it to the morning. cynically depressed. catching words like bugs. i've lost more than my share of marbles. ive gotta update myself. never never land. time doesnt spin but the floor sure does. shooting star veins. straight on till morning.

i only want you to be you

love,

me

she said she needed a muse...

2010-03-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

and i've always been a sucker for a hard luck case. more ice berg than cool. the snowman melts from a broken heart. sunburnt guts. snuck my head into the clouds of smoke surrounding yours. raccoon eyes and yellow spines. matching pulses. this isn't for real, only imaginary. i lost the directions to good intentions, getting by on only a wit(ness). i'm a thought in the thunderstorm that is your head and i'm feeling lucky for that. gamble with house money. lose it all or go home half empty.

this means nothing
but it means everything to me

thank you for reminding me how to pour my insides out into keyboards.

he is a warzone, she is just a casualty

2010-03-18T02:41:00.000-07:00

we dug the darkness out of her veins
splattered in the world we call home
the maniacs
the forever bed heads
taking monsters out from under beds
skeletons from closets
hiding them behind eyelids and clever words
"we'll leave this world once and for all"
the express lane headed home six feet under the ground
file me away under lost and (not wanting to be) found

"I can't believe what this is doing to me
I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the"

-four year strong "find my way back"

it's always been about you

2010-03-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

There's something strange going on in my head
That says if I were to get in a car right now
And to your doorstep I would be bound.
To whisper the words that I've always wanted to say,
And watch as the sun rips this blue sky away
Cause the colors are always changing
So stare up at the clouds
And at least you know you're always looking up

-Valencia "The Space Between"

disappear

2010-03-08T02:00:00.001-08:00

razored smiles
etched on your teeth
"get some sleep silly boy"
i'd run away with you
and not come back to being me.

i've outgrown my head and heart

restraints

2010-02-25T01:20:00.000-08:00

shackel the monster
but you can't keep him locked away forever
bad news flash
a hurricane warning

this is only the beginning

the whole truth, and nothing but...

2010-02-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

"I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me
You can only blame your problems on my world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital, I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports and get get get get get out now"

The (shipped) gold standard-fall out boy

this is only about you.

Cacoethes scribendi

2010-02-19T00:51:00.000-08:00

like love on a rainy day from lips that are tornadoes. guts that are tied in 24 karat knots.

love isnt a timezone
or a battle field
it is that fleeting moment
where the world stands still
but you keep me spinning.

rage

2010-02-17T00:09:00.001-08:00

bloddy knuckled eyes. it's a whirlwind. this won't make sense but neither does the blueprint of my head. black and blue. it's all moods and end games. i'll murder today if it gets me past right now.

inside every dark night

2010-02-09T00:46:00.001-08:00

my guts are black and my conscience is bleak. ive got to make due on my own promises for once.

loyalty

2010-01-14T00:20:00.000-08:00

when everything's said and done, i've stayed loyal to the person i've wanted to become. most people don't. they can't. admission of being someone who changes their core values is impossible for most of them. i'll put the pen to the paper when you eventually put the needle to your veins. the drugs up your nose. i pour my heart out at everychance i get while others bury theirs in despair.

i'll be watching when you hit rock bottom. truth be told, i'll be glad to push you off the cliff.

two thousand 9

2009-12-31T01:01:00.000-08:00

on the eve of a decade

things haven't change (but why would they)

blurry eyed

more pills than friendships

on the way to the 911

i'm a cut(ter) about the rest

"we'll sleep when we're dead"

can't come soon enough

heart headed

the only heart burn I have came right off your lips

itchy head minus itchy trigger finger

ive only got bulleyes on chests and promises

hunting for broken hearts to get lost in

almost a month

2009-12-10T01:24:00.003-08:00

and nothing ever changes.

screw the moth

I need you like a needle to the vein.

back to the epicenter of me

2009-11-16T00:22:00.000-08:00

forget tonight or the next day. this is about the right and the now versus wrong. contemplate today before it becomes tomorrow. we're all accident prone and full of stitches...some more than others...some deeper than most. I'm not the same without you in between the sheets. My head needs this like salt needs an open wound. smile like a razor blade (straight and to the point). glow in the dark or the dark glow around my eyes. i'm confused more than i'm asleep. i can be the chill, just don't forget your spine this time.

dear mood swings...pull me back from hell just so I can get lost on earth. I don't belong here and I never have.

In memories we're all more alive. True blue love birds.

2009-10-08T00:37:00.000-07:00

Being human is overrated. I've always wanted to be a monster. Reboot my system. Hard reset on soft conscience. Neurons are scrambled. Back to the lab. I will reseruect happiness. Send an S.O.S. back to the mothership. Send me back to where I belong. Heart full of glass. Crystal (ball) clear. Marked fragile and always flawed.

I wanna be more than just a tired set of eyes

Apologetic fueled binges. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Let me be the one to break your heart again. I've got the medication for your broken veins and loves. Romance never dies, only the romantics.

Stay(ing) committed to the drugs to stay clean of the institution. The urge to purge my head of everything and start over. My razor sharp tounge meets the underside of wrists and promises. From the shower stall to the afterlife.

The only way I know how to get to your heart?

through your guts.

medication hangovers.

2009-09-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

the west coast will be good for me. 24/7 summer time. the blues overheated, turned to sweat, and ran their way down the insides of my wrists. overdramatic. heat s(w)ave me now. cool me off and sell me out. welcome happiness goodbye loneliness. got the math wrong, I just needed another dose of you to get to me.

welcome back homesick headaches. it won't be this bad this time. not alone, more like a different version of the same moods.

my partner in crime.

et phone home

2009-08-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

long distance love

hung my hopes out on the telephone line

"give me happiness" or give me death

tonight...

2009-08-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

...the headphones will deliver you the words I can't say.

madness

2009-08-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

There isn't enough good luck to pump through my veins. Get me through to the sunshine. Riding shotgun on a gurney (life in the fast lane). Slept through heaven, straight to the snooze button in hell. I've got a restless mind and a tounge to match. Talk myself down off the ledge. Behind closed doors, I'm all I've got. Tied my lifeline around my chest. Keep me safe when the world gets darker. This doesn't make sense but I've senseless. Behind tired eyes, the world seems out of focus and grey.

I was(nt) fine before the pills.

manic depression

2009-08-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

What are manic depression symptoms?

Manic depression symptoms (as found in manic-depressive disorder or bipolar disorder) involve symptom sets that are the opposite of each other. One involves a “high” set and the other a “low” set. These symptoms are found in a continuous range, mild-moderate-severe, in both the manic and depressive aspects.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists many of the following Manic Depression symptoms.¹ Manic disorder that characterize the high or ‘manic’ aspect of manic disorder are called episode includes the following:

Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively ‘high,’ overly good, euphoric mood
Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
Racing thoughts and talking very fast
Jumping from one idea to another
Little sleep needed
Increased sexual drive
Spending sprees
Poor judgment
Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
Extreme irritability
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Denial that anything is wrong
Lasting period of behavior that is different from usual

Symptoms of manic disorder that characterize the low or ‘depressive’ aspect of manic-depressive disorder are the following:

Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep
Change in appetite and / or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or persistent bodily symptoms not caused by illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide / suicide attempts

Hypomania
Hypomania is the ‘mild to moderate’ level of the manic symptoms of manic-depressive disorder. Left untreated, hypomania can progress to severe mania or depression.

Psychosis
In severe episodes of mania or depression, symptoms of psychosis (hallucination and delusion) can occur. These symptoms of hallucination and delusion often result in manic-depressive disorder being misdiagnosed as Schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.

Mixed Manic Depression¹
In the mixed manic-depressive state, symptoms of mania and depression occur together. The person may exhibit these symptoms:

Agitation
Trouble sleeping
Significant change in appetite
Psychosis
Suicidal thinking
Having a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized

when the clouds open up, you can see all the way to heaven from the depths of hell.

tonight i realized...

2009-08-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

loves the new medication for the broken hearted.

i've got trouble being me

but i've got no troubles loving you

i'll be more alive than dead

2009-08-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

halfway across the country

got the sound of "i love yous" stuck on repeat inside my skull

better halves all around

i'm full of liquid courage and perscription lies

self medicate on love and loathing loneliness

lets fast forward to forever

love x 88mph

lighthouse eyes. we'll ride out this storm together.

2009-07-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

got a hot rod heart

petal to the metal

got high on hope

lungs and veins full of promise

lets crash

jet lagged brain waves

wanna deport my insides

import some good news to my chest

nightmare head

pull the covers close and your body closer

i've got a smile made of smoke and broken mirrors

you gotta be good to die young

west coast (mood) swing

2009-07-05T20:30:00.001-07:00

gotta get away sometimes. found myself in the desert. no mirage. this is love. fireflies. summer time. got your bed head and wont be the same till i find my way back to your timezone. call home collect and have them save a room for me.

4-1-05

2009-06-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

to: you

from: me

subject: fuck this/you/my past/your future

took a cold shower to get the feeling of you off my skin

"out of sight, out of mind"

i always looked at you as pathetic

hold the magnifying glass as high as the drugs in your veins

dont stare at the sun forever

found you on the bathroom floor

another attempt at the afterlife

failure's not flattering

counted your excuses like the slashes on your skin

rising to the top

blood cell(mates)

"all your cheap words about hearts and accidents"

got the keys to your insecurities

(un)locked and loaded

like your medicine cabinet, i'm better off without you

you showed me what love isn't supposed to be

thank you for being so awful

the truth is I never missed you.

i never even loved you

cloudy

2009-06-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

shine your eyes down my spine

make me believe in tomorrow

got a bad case of the blues

drug my conscience through muddy waters

forecasted another sleepless night

"head stopper pill popper"

addicted to the empty bed and cloudy head

homesick homewrecker

anti (no)bodies

starting everyday on the wrong side of the bed

and wrong side of the country

the mirrors my toughest critic

2009-05-21T21:12:00.001-07:00

stich my head to my pillow

keep my dreams in one place for the night

wrapped around your words

hid my blues in bags under my eyes

falling off ledges and into my eyelids

"it's a night full of pills and a bottle of thrills"

vein vs vain

wish my head had a snooze button

"turn me off and check back in 9"

changing moods and medicines

i'm a whirlwind

youre the weatherman

and you still won't see me coming

love wouldn't let me get away

2009-05-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

half a heart from half a by timezones away. if i slept, i'm sure i'd dream of you. set you watches ahead to catch up to where we've been.
no sleep ever.

hid the blues in bags under my eyes

i'm just not complete without you

kept my conscience locked down to make it this far

alone and strung out on lonliness.

i'll wish across the nation

11:11

(clandestine industries x amnesty international exclusive)

the world's got a conscience now.

i'm not afraid of forever

2009-05-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

when our love is infinite

tminus 4 days

i wish...

2009-05-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

..that my head had a gps. so I could get right back to this moment, with this girl, in this timezone.

I had a revelation last night.

My kisses were meant for only your lips.

homesick for lovesickness

2009-04-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

all heart and no sleep. got two rings that shine for you under my eyes. got lonliness down to a science. got lost under night time skies. driving while detoxing. wasted all my gray matter on gray moods. ive got a bad habit of sniffing out li(n)es with every person i meet. no one seems to matter but the way you think about us.

I tried to come up with an acronym for l.o.v.e.

all I came up with was y.o.u.

being alone < sleeping with you

2009-04-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

this mouth eats happiness and spits out sadness. found my conscience in the bottom of a bottle of pills stashed on the bathroom floor. the tile matches your emotions, cold, battered and bruised. i've got a sense of entitlement from being away from the madness for too long. forgot what it's like to be electric.

i found my smile in the desert. stash it between the clouds and the rays of light breaking through them. i'll light your skylines up with my hopes. it's summer all the time. lightning bugs. catch me if you can handle me.

transplanted my thoughts of you from my head to my heart. dowsed them in your perfume. don't forget me. i won't ever stop you.

got high on a heavy heart. found love in the bottom of it all. now this smile glows in the dark.

the best thing i've ever done

2009-04-14T23:21:00.001-07:00

was falling in love with you

i cant wait till everyday starts and ends with you.

i love you on repeat forever.

pulled a nightmare out of my chest...

2009-04-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

...and down my spine. poured dreams out of fingertips and onto the keyboard. witness history behind your eyes. washed all hope(s) down the (d)rain. all words like butterfly (stitches). earned all my bruises the hard way. hoME away from hoME. sleep sold me out. the right to bear(hug) chARMerS. Masquerading in the/this game of life. Someone elses skin > my own.

always (a)-okay

(un)loveable to the bitter end

you

2009-03-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

slept a little

missed you a lot

bright smiles x sweet dreams

2009-03-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

drunk dialed i to myself
lost focus of life

followed it down the drain

that time regrets became second chances

found the reasons to keep on going on a bathroom floor

no good (bed) head

breaking and entering bedroom windows till i get caught

i get me when im with you

forecasting the blues into a sunset

(com)promise versus forever

developed a habit of wanting to impress you

dressed my wounds for success

put my love on a mixtape

everyone has better words than i do

always cheat the pharmacy. cut through a dark(er) idea.

snack attack packer

2009-03-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

changing time zones in thirteen days. lucky numbers come in different packages. wouldn't you like to believe that everything happens for a reason?

couldnt wait to tell you

i love you

(com)promise to love me

2009-03-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

dug some salt out of old wounds

i like the way bitterness tastes compared to how it feels

wore my conscience around my neck

a mere fashion accessory

catching the sparkle in your eyes when you think of me, myself, and i

got a bad case of hasbeens versus the never gonna be

the idea that some part of the world is always awake is comforting.

only if i was there instead of here

followed the (gold) rush right into my veins

chased the high expectations with a low dose of reality

ive got a complex. i can't ever let happiness creep all the way in.

exCUsES, excUSEs

2009-03-12T19:03:00.001-07:00

been away from love forawhile

homesick the way you looked at me when we took a chance on the same heartbeat

took a sip of the night and got lost in the hangover

i'm addicted to heart attack(er)s and second chances

dazed and confUSED

lied to a psychiatrist

just to get a fix of the truth

overdosing on shooting starts into my veins

bring me back to li(f)e as a romantic

looked in the mirror to measure my vanity

got a few perscriptions to measure my sanity

sometimes i cant find the words that fit my mood. or other times they just feel worthless and too well rehersed. yet i could never get tired of telling you this.

te AMO

je t'aime

lay ovlay ouyay

commitment vs committed

2009-03-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

the truth is i'm only crazy about you

if at first you dont succeed....

2009-03-05T15:44:00.002-08:00

...try try again.

i'm tragically flawed.

i'm sorry.

prison break night owl

2009-02-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

dissected a nightmare

found my conscience

drugged and out of touch

i only want to wrap myself around your waist late at night

lay me down, even if i dont sleep

hit and miss(ing) the zzz's on the snoozzze

my eyelids are heavy but my head is floating away

going stead(I.L.Y.) down the aisle

kept my hands on the clock

wrist watch(er)

sneaking through bedroom windows till the day i die.

matched the way my fingers type to the sound of my heartbeat

hung myself out to dry on the telephone line

ive got your voice ringing in my ears and on my fingers

sometimes i feel every mile between us. they all catch up to me at once. under my eyes and stuck in the back of my throat. i've gotta sleep just to dream about you.

miss you

love you

baby steps

2009-02-23T23:01:00.001-08:00

there's a reason your smile feels so much like at home

got lost in my eyelids

followed the light to from your teeth

our lips matched

roadmaps for the soul

couldn't get you out of my mind even when i tried

(the pills didn't help either)

from friendship bracelets to wedding rings

i'm tired of everything and everyone but you

count my mistakes with you on one wrist

but i wont turn your smile upside down again

wore out the latest excuses

just to come out with a clean conscience

hearts waiting on eachother

time won't stop us now

don't know how else to say it.

iloveyou

i just wanna love you the way you make me love my smile

need to be needed

2009-02-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

found an addiction to bright eyes and high hopes

no one gets inside this head without a passport

got a sharp tongue i keep pressed to the inside of my wrist

shot your love straight through my veins

going strong till the sun rises

gap tooth(less) smile

left my vanity in the past with my twin in the mirror

took a breath between twin 11's (11:11 wishes)

from the middle coast to the west coast

committed myself to commitment

asylum for frauds and liars

need to be need(y)ed

i want you to flip my head inside out so its finally right side up

the truth is

2009-02-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

only you make my chest explode with happiness.

you put the US in trUSt

2009-02-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

took a red eye straight to your heart

round trip with window seats

carved our names in the skyline

got sick

you're the cure

anti-(no)bodies

promises like the rings around my eyes

tried/tired and true (take your pick)

gotta say

you've tried the hardest with me so far

she gets me but i don't get why i'm so lucky.

swoon

2009-02-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

my head is spinning

swoon

took my pills

you cant escape my mind

hiding behind eyelids and eyelashes

true love valentines

youre the best ive ever known

ive got withdrawl pains

cant get used to (not) sleeping alone

i was made to be next to you

i wont have it any other way

cant go back to

when you tell me you love me, i know you mean it. you're not a liar and you're not a fake. you're everything i've ever needed and more.

iloveyou

without you...

2009-02-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

i'm just (a) hopeless (romantic)

to you

2009-02-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

ive always had a morbid fascination with proving how much i care

cut me open

this heart only beats for you

got a death threat on my chest

sometimes i get so lonely the world stops spinning

my nerves are shot with loneliness

got a god complex (i dont believe in much)

make the stars jealous with the way falling for you

i l(d)ie a little bit when i'm not talking to you

miss the way you get me

just because i dont sleep doesnt mean i dont dream about you.

posted an obituary in the classifieds

2009-01-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

im a thunderstorm

drowned my sorrows in perscriptions

the doctors cant take away the way you feel in my chest

sunburnt our hearts to our sleeves

(re)possessed my smile

got lost in loneliness

midnight eyelashes

never slept as well as i did next to you

to a turn on an empty highway

drove into the horizon

i got (get) lost trying to find me

ending up back at you

at the start

full moon kisses on front porches

fireflies as our witness

iloveyou

lost in space(mountain)

2009-01-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

havent slept in days

got a case permanent case of the blues

told me id forget my head if it wasnt attached

sometimes that doesnt seem so bad

looking for some p.i.e.c.e. and q.u.i.e.t. in all the wrong pieces

see: commitment versus committed

electrical wiring all gone wrong

crossed (my heart) all the wires in my head

never remember which color to cut

defUSE me

id keep myself hostage

just to see you get out alive

snow globe my home to my head

2009-01-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

ive got nothing but honest left behind the baggage i carry under my eyes. meet me halfway to a new country with the same problems.
obsessed with the way that light will hit your eyes. it's been too long since i felt the way your smile makes my blood pressure rise. marked a spot for your body in my arms. put me under a magnifying glass. watch my love burn.

white wedding day vows. till death do us part(y)

goodnight beautiful.

ego mania(c)

2009-01-24T20:52:00.001-08:00

keyboard confessional

fee(l)d my words from my chest to your screen

making my finger(s) tip(sy) electric

plug my head into the s(r)ocket

hot air balloons for lungs

fill me up with hot air and watch me go

two way mirrors versus two way streets

i'm a dead end

a never was

we'll clean the slate

just to make it dirty again

the dirt on the top of the coffin

spoiled and rotten heart

bugs eat decay

milligrams eat creativity

i'm a loose canon

shot me to the pharmacy

the doctor wrote me a new chance at life

they filled me up with a conscience

left me without a refill

give me withdraws of you

i'll shoot you deep inside my veins

i'm a smile without a chance. a night light without a dream. a warning for your heart. doomed from the start.

cant quite keep you out of my mind. maybe i don't want to

2009-01-22T20:01:00.000-08:00

took a chance on a red eye

flying the friendly skylines

stuck in waiting rooms

but i'm waiting on no one but you

purgatory smiles

i'll wear you around my eyes (can't forget the way you look in the morning)

my odds versus the chance this is the real

gamble with your heART

sentiMENTAL boys with hearts too big for their heads.

icantwaittoseeyou

i've got dirty thoughts to pour down the inside of your ear

2009-01-21T19:29:00.000-08:00

Redirect my head to the sunset. Connect the dots making (your) smile from all the stars. Tie the knots in my stomach to match the one on your finger (wedding day promises). This is the type of night that nothing seems to feel right except for your breath on my forehead. I'd give anything to feel your pulse next to mine.

"Go to sleep baby boy" she whispered into the glowing earpiece. I'm waiting for the day to share a sunrise with your heart. Don't worry about me too much. These circles around my eyes are just badges of honor. Evidence of the time I've spent thinking of you (sentiMENTAL). Through this wish into the sea. Get it lost in the currents. I'll always find my way back to your smile.

in the dark of night

2009-01-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

i sleep better with a warm body next to me instead of a (my) cold heart. she's got enough perfections to cover up my flaws.

i wouldn't want this to be about anyone else other than YOU

can't get enough of the way you feel

2009-01-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

take your place behind my eyelids. dug a grave so i can sleep for days with you in my dreams. we're more alive apart than we ever were. this shouldn't be so easy. i've got hot spots in my eyes and sparks in my fingertips. swallow the moon. digest the skyline. all we've got is time(zones) on our hands.

i'm still coming for your heart (1,249 miles)

21409

love.

andybear

directions to life are on the side of every pill bottle.

2009-01-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

getting lost inside a thought. brain cell(phone) conversations. call me back or call me out. i'm coming for your heart. i won't stop till its all mine. the house is all in. BETter sorry than apologetic. we're the mixtape for the mallrats. don't count me out just yet.

took a trip on a jet plane

palm trees and candy canes

you had me from the start

arrow straight to the heart

iloveyou

i took a pill and found myself in the want ads

2009-01-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

broke the skyline

just to find your time zone

made you smile

in the reflection of a flash

called border(line) patrol

just to make it back in time to pretend to sleep next to you

i've got a big heart

an even bigger ego

the world's spinning

and i'm swooning

took a dip in the big dipper. washed the zolpidem from behind my eyes. i'm coming to make your heart swell. (21409)

i won't...

2009-01-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

let you love me.

but i can teach you how to hate me.

High fives from heaven to hell

2009-01-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

Kiss a little bit harder. Love a little bit longer. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. It's like thunder in between the lightning behind my eyes. This is more than high blood pressure, it's a high rise and a chance to jump for a fresh start.

Adorn my soul with scars. I've got nothing else to prove.

Lip service promises. We've got nothing but the time behind our backs. Accept me for the mess that you've helped undo. I miss the way y(our) eyes meet at midnight. We wished on starts and shot down the moon for all the world to see.

I can't speak about anything other than truth from behind every lie I've ever told.

Insomni-maniac(s)

2009-01-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't know what to do with a sundial. Put it in reverse. A metronome for your heart beat. Put me to sleep or put me out of my misery. Counting sheep to forget the way you whispered my name. In the dark is where we're famous. I'm afraid I'll stay this broken forever. Super glue your promises to my (wish) bones. A classicaly trained con-artist. Steal your heart in the winter. Gift wrapped in summer time sunsets. Learning more than I forget about us (me).

i'm sorry i'm just a broken down heart in the form of a broken down boy.

Always...

2009-01-10T20:23:00.001-08:00

Flirt with disaster.

Always.

meet me in your darkest hour. i'll be lighting the way back to us.

2009-01-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

I've got my drug of choice. Lovers and liars. Mix well before inhaling. Right into the veins and right into the sunset. I've got bigger choices to make than choosing between my conscience and the racing blood cells in my chest. Light my eyelashes on fire with the last puff of your cigarette. You've got to understand what it feels like to be lost in the light of day to really get the way it feels here right now. Looking forward to the return of hopelessness. I've got the pride to say no to the pills and face this head on (collision). All points bulletin for happiness. Bottle it and sell to the homeless and unappreciated. My soul for your collateral. Desperate times call for indecent measures. Wear a noose to match the circles under my eyes.

I'd fall asleep anywhere to wake up next to you sometime.

This isnt about the not allowing someone to love you

this is all about not allowing yourself to be loved by someone.

this is me. ripe and new.

2009-01-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

she had two way mirror eyes. in one ear and out the other. a needle t(p)icking through my veins. is this love or is this misery? the middle's not that far off. feeling like a deserted island. send my loneliness in a bottle. postmarked from my head to my ribs.

this isn't just a growing pain.

this is growing up.

welcome home dream(er)s

out with the old and in with the new

2009-01-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

big changes in the life and times of a disaster.

working on my personality, and not my lack thereof

there are things that you've never seen that are headed towards the light

on the wings of moths, headed towards a sure fire(fly) death.

www.twitter.com/crAzywiththeA

(for all the updates on the relaunch of me and you)

infiniteabys.livejournal.com

(bread crumb trails from old to new)