two thousand 9

on the eve of a decade

things haven't change (but why would they)

blurry eyed

more pills than friendships

on the way to the 911

i'm a cut(ter) about the rest

"we'll sleep when we're dead"

can't come soon enough

heart headed

the only heart burn I have came right off your lips

itchy head minus itchy trigger finger

ive only got bulleyes on chests and promises

hunting for broken hearts to get lost in

almost a month

and nothing ever changes.

screw the moth

I need you like a needle to the vein.

back to the epicenter of me

forget tonight or the next day. this is about the right and the now versus wrong. contemplate today before it becomes tomorrow. we're all accident prone and full of stitches...some more than others...some deeper than most. I'm not the same without you in between the sheets. My head needs this like salt needs an open wound. smile like a razor blade (straight and to the point). glow in the dark or the dark glow around my eyes. i'm confused more than i'm asleep. i can be the chill, just don't forget your spine this time.

dear mood swings...pull me back from hell just so I can get lost on earth. I don't belong here and I never have.

In memories we're all more alive. True blue love birds.

Being human is overrated. I've always wanted to be a monster. Reboot my system. Hard reset on soft conscience. Neurons are scrambled. Back to the lab. I will reseruect happiness. Send an S.O.S. back to the mothership. Send me back to where I belong. Heart full of glass. Crystal (ball) clear. Marked fragile and always flawed.

I wanna be more than just a tired set of eyes

Apologetic fueled binges. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Let me be the one to break your heart again. I've got the medication for your broken veins and loves. Romance never dies, only the romantics.

Stay(ing) committed to the drugs to stay clean of the institution. The urge to purge my head of everything and start over. My razor sharp tounge meets the underside of wrists and promises. From the shower stall to the afterlife.

The only way I know how to get to your heart?

through your guts.

xo

medication hangovers.

the west coast will be good for me. 24/7 summer time. the blues overheated, turned to sweat, and ran their way down the insides of my wrists. overdramatic. heat s(w)ave me now. cool me off and sell me out. welcome happiness goodbye loneliness. got the math wrong, I just needed another dose of you to get to me.

welcome back homesick headaches. it won't be this bad this time. not alone, more like a different version of the same moods.

my partner in crime.

et phone home

long distance love

hung my hopes out on the telephone line

"give me happiness" or give me death

xo

tonight...

...the headphones will deliver you the words I can't say.

madness

There isn't enough good luck to pump through my veins. Get me through to the sunshine. Riding shotgun on a gurney (life in the fast lane). Slept through heaven, straight to the snooze button in hell. I've got a restless mind and a tounge to match. Talk myself down off the ledge. Behind closed doors, I'm all I've got. Tied my lifeline around my chest. Keep me safe when the world gets darker. This doesn't make sense but I've senseless. Behind tired eyes, the world seems out of focus and grey.

I was(nt) fine before the pills.

manic depression

What are manic depression symptoms?

Manic depression symptoms (as found in manic-depressive disorder or bipolar disorder) involve symptom sets that are the opposite of each other. One involves a “high” set and the other a “low” set. These symptoms are found in a continuous range, mild-moderate-severe, in both the manic and depressive aspects.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists many of the following Manic Depression symptoms.¹ Manic disorder that characterize the high or ‘manic’ aspect of manic disorder are called episode includes the following:

• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
• Excessively ‘high,’ overly good, euphoric mood
• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
• Racing thoughts and talking very fast
• Jumping from one idea to another
• Little sleep needed
• Increased sexual drive
• Spending sprees
• Poor judgment
• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
• Extreme irritability
• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
• Denial that anything is wrong
• Lasting period of behavior that is different from usual

Symptoms of manic disorder that characterize the low or ‘depressive’ aspect of manic-depressive disorder are the following:

• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Restlessness or irritability
• Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep
• Change in appetite and / or unintended weight loss or gain
• Chronic pain or persistent bodily symptoms not caused by illness or injury
• Thoughts of death or suicide / suicide attempts

Hypomania
Hypomania is the ‘mild to moderate’ level of the manic symptoms of manic-depressive disorder. Left untreated, hypomania can progress to severe mania or depression.

Psychosis
In severe episodes of mania or depression, symptoms of psychosis (hallucination and delusion) can occur. These symptoms of hallucination and delusion often result in manic-depressive disorder being misdiagnosed as Schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.

Mixed Manic Depression¹
In the mixed manic-depressive state, symptoms of mania and depression occur together. The person may exhibit these symptoms:

• Agitation
• Trouble sleeping
• Significant change in appetite
• Psychosis
• Suicidal thinking
• Having a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized

when the clouds open up, you can see all the way to heaven from the depths of hell.

tonight i realized...

loves the new medication for the broken hearted.

i've got trouble being me

but i've got no troubles loving you

i'll be more alive than dead

halfway across the country

got the sound of "i love yous" stuck on repeat inside my skull

better halves all around

i'm full of liquid courage and perscription lies

self medicate on love and loathing loneliness

lets fast forward to forever

love x 88mph

xo

lighthouse eyes. we'll ride out this storm together.

got a hot rod heart

petal to the metal

got high on hope

lungs and veins full of promise

lets crash

jet lagged brain waves

wanna deport my insides

import some good news to my chest

nightmare head

pull the covers close and your body closer

i've got a smile made of smoke and broken mirrors

you gotta be good to die young

xo

west coast (mood) swing

gotta get away sometimes. found myself in the desert. no mirage. this is love. fireflies. summer time. got your bed head and wont be the same till i find my way back to your timezone. call home collect and have them save a room for me.

4-1-05

to: you

from: me

subject: fuck this/you/my past/your future

took a cold shower to get the feeling of you off my skin

"out of sight, out of mind"

i always looked at you as pathetic

hold the magnifying glass as high as the drugs in your veins

dont stare at the sun forever

found you on the bathroom floor

another attempt at the afterlife

failure's not flattering

counted your excuses like the slashes on your skin

rising to the top 

blood cell(mates)

"all your cheap words about hearts and accidents"

got the keys to your insecurities

(un)locked and loaded

like your medicine cabinet, i'm better off without you

you showed me what love isn't supposed to be

thank you for being so awful

the truth is I never missed you.  

i never even loved you

cloudy

shine your eyes down my spine

make me believe in tomorrow

got a bad case of the blues 

drug my conscience through muddy waters

forecasted another sleepless night

"head stopper pill popper"

addicted to the empty bed and cloudy head

homesick homewrecker

anti (no)bodies

starting everyday on the wrong side of the bed

and wrong side of the country

xo

the mirrors my toughest critic

stich my head to my pillow

keep my dreams in one place for the night

wrapped around your words 

hid my blues in bags under my eyes

falling off ledges and into my eyelids

"it's a night full of pills and a bottle of thrills"

vein vs vain

wish my head had a snooze button

"turn me off and check back in 9"

changing moods and medicines

i'm a whirlwind

youre the weatherman

and you still won't see me coming

love wouldn't let me get away

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population. Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

half a heart from half a by timezones away.  if i slept, i'm sure i'd dream of you.  set you watches ahead to catch up to where we've been.
no sleep ever.

hid the blues in bags under my eyes

i'm just not complete without you

kept my conscience locked down to make it this far

alone and strung out on lonliness.

i'll wish across the nation

11:11 

(clandestine industries x amnesty international exclusive)

the world's got a conscience now.

i'm not afraid of forever

when our love is infinite

tminus 4 days

i wish...

..that my head had a gps.  so I could get right back to this moment, with this girl, in this timezone.

I had a revelation last night.

My kisses were meant for only your lips.

homesick for lovesickness

all heart and no sleep. got two rings that shine for you under my eyes. got lonliness down to a science.  got lost under night time skies.  driving while detoxing.  wasted all my gray matter on gray moods.  ive got a bad habit of sniffing out li(n)es with every person i meet.  no one seems to matter but the way you think about us.

I tried to come up with an acronym for l.o.v.e.

all I came up with was y.o.u.

being alone < sleeping with you

this mouth eats happiness and spits out sadness.  found my conscience in the bottom of a bottle of pills stashed on the bathroom floor.  the tile matches your emotions, cold, battered and bruised. i've got a sense of entitlement from being away from the madness for too long.  forgot what it's like to be electric.

i found my smile in the desert. stash it between the clouds and the rays of light breaking through them.  i'll light your skylines up with my hopes.  it's summer all the time.  lightning bugs.  catch me if you can handle me.  

transplanted my thoughts of you from my head to my heart. dowsed them in your perfume. don't forget me.  i won't ever stop you.

got high on a heavy heart.  found love in the bottom of it all.  now this smile glows in the dark.

the best thing i've ever done

was falling in love with you

i cant wait till everyday starts and ends with you.

i love you on repeat forever.

pulled a nightmare out of my chest...

...and down my spine. poured dreams out of fingertips and onto the keyboard.  witness history behind your eyes. washed all hope(s) down the (d)rain. all words like butterfly (stitches). earned all my bruises the hard way. hoME away from hoME.  sleep sold me out. the right to bear(hug) chARMerS.  Masquerading in the/this game of life. Someone elses skin > my own.

always (a)-okay

(un)loveable  to the bitter end

you

slept a little

missed you a lot

ps

xo

bright smiles x sweet dreams

drunk dialed i to myself
lost focus of life

followed it down the drain

that time regrets became second chances

found the reasons to keep on going on a bathroom floor

no good (bed) head

breaking and entering bedroom windows till i get caught

i get me when im with you

forecasting the blues into a sunset

(com)promise versus forever

developed a habit of wanting to impress you

dressed my wounds for success

put my love on a mixtape

everyone has better words than i do

always cheat the pharmacy.  cut through a dark(er) idea.

snack attack packer

changing time zones in thirteen days.  lucky numbers come in different packages.  wouldn't you like to believe that everything happens for a reason?

couldnt wait to tell you

i love you

(com)promise to love me

dug some salt out of old wounds

i like the way bitterness tastes compared to how it feels

wore my conscience around my neck

a mere fashion accessory

catching the sparkle in your eyes when you think of me, myself, and i

got a bad case of hasbeens versus the never gonna be

the idea that some part of the world is always awake is comforting.

only if i was there instead of here

followed the (gold) rush right into my veins

chased the high expectations with a low dose of reality

ive got a complex.  i can't ever let happiness creep all the way in.

exCUsES, excUSEs

been away from love forawhile

homesick the way you looked at me when we took a chance on the same heartbeat

took a sip of the night and got lost in the hangover

i'm addicted to heart attack(er)s and second chances

dazed and confUSED

lied to a psychiatrist

just to get a fix of the truth

overdosing on shooting starts into my veins

bring me back to li(f)e as a romantic

looked in the mirror to measure my vanity

got a few perscriptions to measure my sanity 

sometimes i cant find the words that fit my mood. or other times they just feel worthless and too well rehersed. yet i could never get tired of telling you this.

te AMO

je t'aime

lay ovlay ouyay

commitment vs committed

the truth is i'm only crazy about you

if at first you dont succeed....

...try try again.

i'm tragically flawed.

i'm sorry.

prison break night owl

dissected a nightmare

found my conscience

drugged and out of touch

i only want to wrap myself around your waist late at night

lay me down, even if i dont sleep

hit and miss(ing) the zzz's on the snoozzze 

my eyelids are heavy but my head is floating away

going stead(I.L.Y.) down the aisle

kept my hands on the clock

wrist watch(er)

sneaking through bedroom windows till the day i die.

matched the way my fingers type to the sound of my heartbeat

hung myself out to dry on the telephone line

ive got your voice ringing in my ears and on my fingers

sometimes i feel every mile between us.  they all catch up to me at once.  under my eyes and stuck in the back of my throat.  i've gotta sleep just to dream about you.

miss you

love you

xo

baby steps

there's a reason your smile feels so much like at home

got lost in my eyelids

followed the light to from your teeth

our lips matched

roadmaps for the soul

couldn't get you out of my mind even when i tried

(the pills didn't help either)

from friendship bracelets to wedding rings

i'm tired of everything and everyone but you

count my mistakes with you on one wrist

but i wont turn your smile upside down again

wore out the latest excuses

just to come out with a clean conscience

hearts waiting on eachother

time won't stop us now

don't know how else to say it.

iloveyou

i just wanna love you the way you make me love my smile

need to be needed

found an addiction to bright eyes and high hopes

no one gets inside this head without a passport

got a sharp tongue i keep pressed to the inside of my wrist

shot your love straight through my veins

going strong till the sun rises

gap tooth(less) smile

left my vanity in the past with my twin in the mirror

took a breath between twin 11's (11:11 wishes)

from the middle coast to the west coast

committed myself to commitment

asylum for frauds and liars

need to be need(y)ed

i want you to flip my head inside out so its finally right side up

the truth is

only you make my chest explode with happiness.

you put the US in trUSt

took a red eye straight to your heart

round trip  with window seats 

carved our names in the skyline

got sick

you're the cure

anti-(no)bodies

promises like the rings around my eyes

tried/tired and true (take your pick)

gotta say

you've tried the hardest with me so far

she gets me but i don't get why i'm so lucky.

swoon

my head is spinning

swoon

took my pills

you cant escape my mind

hiding behind eyelids and eyelashes

true love valentines

youre the best ive ever known

ive got withdrawl pains 

cant get used to (not) sleeping alone

i was made to be next to you

i wont have it any other way

cant go back to

when you tell me you love me, i know you mean it.  you're not a liar and you're not a fake. you're everything i've ever needed and more.  

iloveyou  

without you...

i'm just (a) hopeless (romantic)

to you

ive always had a morbid fascination with proving how much i care

cut me open

this heart only beats for you

got a death threat on my chest

sometimes i get so lonely the world stops spinning

my nerves are shot with loneliness 

got a god complex (i dont believe in much)

make the stars jealous with the way falling for you

i l(d)ie a little bit when i'm not talking to you

miss the way you get me

just because i dont sleep doesnt mean i dont dream about you.

posted an obituary in the classifieds

im a thunderstorm

drowned my sorrows in perscriptions

the doctors cant take away the way you feel in my chest

sunburnt our hearts to our sleeves

(re)possessed my smile

got lost in loneliness 

midnight eyelashes

never slept as well as i did next to you

to a turn on an empty highway

drove into the horizon

i got (get) lost trying to find me

ending up back at you

at the start

full moon kisses on front porches

fireflies as our witness

iloveyou

 

lost in space(mountain)

havent slept in days

got a case permanent case of the blues

told me id forget my head if it wasnt attached

sometimes that doesnt seem so bad

looking for some p.i.e.c.e. and q.u.i.e.t. in all the wrong pieces 

see: commitment versus committed 

electrical wiring all gone wrong

crossed (my heart) all the wires in my head

never remember which color to cut

defUSE me

id keep myself hostage

just to see you get out alive

snow globe my home to my head

ive got nothing but honest left behind the baggage i carry under my eyes.  meet me halfway to a new country with the same problems.  
obsessed with the way that light will hit your eyes. it's been too long since i felt the way your smile makes my blood pressure rise.  marked a spot for your body in my arms. put me under a magnifying glass.  watch my love burn.

white wedding day vows.  till death do us part(y)

goodnight beautiful.

ego mania(c)

keyboard confessional

fee(l)d my words from my chest to your screen

making my finger(s) tip(sy) electric

plug my head into the s(r)ocket

hot air balloons for lungs

fill me up with hot air and watch me go

two way mirrors versus two way streets

i'm a dead end

a never was

we'll clean the slate

just to make it dirty again

the dirt on the top of the coffin

spoiled and rotten heart

bugs eat decay

milligrams eat creativity

i'm a loose canon

shot me to the pharmacy

the doctor wrote me a new chance at life

they filled me up with a conscience

left me without a refill

give me withdraws of you 

i'll shoot you deep inside my veins

i'm a smile without a chance. a night light without a dream. a warning for your heart.  doomed from the start. 

cant quite keep you out of my mind. maybe i don't want to

took a chance on a red eye

flying the friendly skylines

stuck in waiting rooms

but i'm waiting on no one but you

purgatory smiles

i'll wear you around my eyes (can't forget the way you look in the morning)

my odds versus the chance this is the real

gamble with your heART

sentiMENTAL boys with hearts too big for their heads.

icantwaittoseeyou

i've got dirty thoughts to pour down the inside of your ear

Redirect my head to the sunset.  Connect the dots making (your) smile from all the stars.  Tie the knots in my stomach to match the one on your finger (wedding day promises).  This is the type of night that nothing seems to feel right except for your breath on my forehead.  I'd give anything to feel your pulse next to mine.

"Go to sleep baby boy" she whispered into the glowing earpiece.  I'm waiting for the day to share a sunrise with your heart.  Don't worry about me too much.  These circles around my eyes are just badges of honor.  Evidence of the time I've spent thinking of you (sentiMENTAL).  Through this wish into the sea.  Get it lost in the currents.  I'll always find my way back to your smile.

in the dark of night

i sleep better with a warm body next to me instead of a (my) cold heart.  she's got enough perfections to cover up my flaws.

i wouldn't want this to be about anyone else other than YOU

can't get enough of the way you feel

take your place behind my eyelids. dug a grave so i can sleep for days with you in my dreams.  we're more alive apart than we ever were. this shouldn't be so easy. i've got hot spots in my eyes and sparks in my fingertips.  swallow the moon.  digest the skyline. all we've got is time(zones) on our hands.

i'm still coming for your heart (1,249 miles)

21409

love.

andybear

directions to life are on the side of every pill bottle.

getting lost inside a thought.  brain cell(phone) conversations.  call me back or call me out.  i'm coming for your heart.  i won't stop till its all mine.  the house is all in. BETter sorry than apologetic.  we're the mixtape for the mallrats.  don't count me out just yet.

took a trip on a jet plane

palm trees and candy canes

you had me from the start

arrow straight to the heart

iloveyou

i took a pill and found myself in the want ads

broke the skyline

just to find your time zone

made you smile

in the reflection of a flash

called border(line) patrol

just to make it back in time to pretend to sleep next to you

i've got a big heart

an even bigger ego

the world's spinning

and i'm swooning

took a dip in the big dipper. washed the zolpidem from behind my eyes.  i'm coming to make your heart swell. (21409)

i won't...

let you love me.

but i can teach you how to hate me.

High fives from heaven to hell

Kiss a little bit harder.  Love a little bit longer. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.  It's like thunder in between the lightning behind my eyes.  This is more than high blood pressure, it's a high rise and a chance to jump for a fresh start.

Adorn my soul with scars.  I've got nothing else to prove.

Lip service promises.  We've got nothing but the time behind our backs.  Accept me for the mess that you've helped undo.  I miss the way y(our) eyes meet at midnight.  We wished on starts and shot down the moon for all the world to see.

I can't speak about anything other than truth from behind every lie I've ever told.

Insomni-maniac(s)

Wouldn't know what to do with a sundial.  Put it in reverse.  A metronome for your heart beat.  Put me to sleep or put me out of my misery.  Counting sheep to forget the way you whispered my name.  In the dark is where we're famous.  I'm afraid I'll stay this broken forever.  Super glue your promises to my (wish) bones.  A classicaly trained con-artist.  Steal your heart in the winter.  Gift wrapped in summer time sunsets.  Learning more than I forget about us (me).

i'm sorry i'm just a broken down heart in the form of a broken down boy.

Always...

Flirt with disaster.

Always.

meet me in your darkest hour. i'll be lighting the way back to us.

I've got my drug of choice.  Lovers and liars.  Mix well before inhaling.  Right into the veins and right into the sunset.  I've got bigger choices to make than choosing between my conscience and the racing blood cells in my chest.  Light my eyelashes on fire with the last puff of your cigarette.  You've got to understand what it feels like to be lost in the light of day to really get the way it feels here right now.  Looking forward to the return of hopelessness.  I've got the pride to say no to the pills and face this head on (collision).  All points bulletin for happiness.  Bottle it and sell to the homeless and unappreciated.  My soul for your collateral.  Desperate times call for indecent measures.  Wear a noose to match the circles under my eyes.

I'd fall asleep anywhere to wake up next to you sometime.

This isnt about the not allowing someone to love you

this is all about not allowing yourself to be loved by someone.

this is me. ripe and new.

she had two way mirror eyes.  in one ear and out the other. a needle t(p)icking through my veins.  is this love or is this misery? the middle's not that far off.  feeling like a deserted island.  send my loneliness in a bottle.  postmarked from my head to my ribs.

this isn't just a growing pain.

this is growing up.

welcome home dream(er)s

out with the old and in with the new

big changes in the life and times of a disaster.

working on my personality, and not my lack thereof

there are things that you've never seen that are headed towards the light

on the wings of moths, headed towards a sure fire(fly) death.

www.twitter.com/crAzywiththeA

(for all the updates on the relaunch of me and you)

infiniteabys.livejournal.com

(bread crumb trails from old to new)