Thursday, December 31, 2009

two thousand 9

on the eve of a decade
things haven't change (but why would they)
blurry eyed
more pills than friendships
on the way to the 911
i'm a cut(ter) about the rest
"we'll sleep when we're dead"
can't come soon enough
heart headed
the only heart burn I have came right off your lips
itchy head minus itchy trigger finger
ive only got bulleyes on chests and promises
hunting for broken hearts to get lost in

Thursday, December 10, 2009

almost a month

and nothing ever changes.

screw the moth

I need you like a needle to the vein.

Monday, November 16, 2009

back to the epicenter of me

forget tonight or the next day. this is about the right and the now versus wrong. contemplate today before it becomes tomorrow. we're all accident prone and full of stitches...some more than others...some deeper than most. I'm not the same without you in between the sheets. My head needs this like salt needs an open wound. smile like a razor blade (straight and to the point). glow in the dark or the dark glow around my eyes. i'm confused more than i'm asleep. i can be the chill, just don't forget your spine this time.

dear mood swings...pull me back from hell just so I can get lost on earth. I don't belong here and I never have.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

In memories we're all more alive. True blue love birds.

Being human is overrated. I've always wanted to be a monster. Reboot my system. Hard reset on soft conscience. Neurons are scrambled. Back to the lab. I will reseruect happiness. Send an S.O.S. back to the mothership. Send me back to where I belong. Heart full of glass. Crystal (ball) clear. Marked fragile and always flawed.

I wanna be more than just a tired set of eyes

Apologetic fueled binges. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". Let me be the one to break your heart again. I've got the medication for your broken veins and loves. Romance never dies, only the romantics.

Stay(ing) committed to the drugs to stay clean of the institution. The urge to purge my head of everything and start over. My razor sharp tounge meets the underside of wrists and promises. From the shower stall to the afterlife.

The only way I know how to get to your heart?

through your guts.


Monday, September 21, 2009

medication hangovers.

the west coast will be good for me. 24/7 summer time. the blues overheated, turned to sweat, and ran their way down the insides of my wrists. overdramatic. heat s(w)ave me now. cool me off and sell me out. welcome happiness goodbye loneliness. got the math wrong, I just needed another dose of you to get to me.

welcome back homesick headaches. it won't be this bad this time. not alone, more like a different version of the same moods.

my partner in crime.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

et phone home

long distance love
hung my hopes out on the telephone line
"give me happiness" or give me death


Saturday, August 22, 2009


...the headphones will deliver you the words I can't say.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


There isn't enough good luck to pump through my veins. Get me through to the sunshine. Riding shotgun on a gurney (life in the fast lane). Slept through heaven, straight to the snooze button in hell. I've got a restless mind and a tounge to match. Talk myself down off the ledge. Behind closed doors, I'm all I've got. Tied my lifeline around my chest. Keep me safe when the world gets darker. This doesn't make sense but I've senseless. Behind tired eyes, the world seems out of focus and grey.

I was(nt) fine before the pills.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

manic depression

What are manic depression symptoms?

Manic depression symptoms (as found in manic-depressive disorder or bipolar disorder) involve symptom sets that are the opposite of each other. One involves a “high” set and the other a “low” set. These symptoms are found in a continuous range, mild-moderate-severe, in both the manic and depressive aspects.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists many of the following Manic Depression symptoms.
1 Manic disorder that characterize the high or ‘manic’ aspect of manic disorder are called episode includes the following:

  • Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
  • Excessively ‘high,’ overly good, euphoric mood
  • Distractibility, can’t concentrate well
  • Racing thoughts and talking very fast
  • Jumping from one idea to another
  • Little sleep needed
  • Increased sexual drive
  • Spending sprees
  • Poor judgment
  • Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers
  • Extreme irritability
  • Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
  • Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
  • Denial that anything is wrong
  • Lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Symptoms of manic disorder that characterize the low or ‘depressive’ aspect of manic-depressive disorder are the following:
  • Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
  • Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
  • Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
  • Restlessness or irritability
  • Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep
  • Change in appetite and / or unintended weight loss or gain
  • Chronic pain or persistent bodily symptoms not caused by illness or injury
  • Thoughts of death or suicide / suicide attempts
Hypomania is the ‘mild to moderate’ level of the manic symptoms of manic-depressive disorder. Left untreated, hypomania can progress to severe mania or depression.

In severe episodes of mania or depression, symptoms of psychosis (hallucination and delusion) can occur. These symptoms of hallucination and delusion often result in manic-depressive disorder being misdiagnosed as Schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.

Mixed Manic Depression1
In the mixed manic-depressive state, symptoms of mania and depression occur together. The person may exhibit these symptoms:
  • Agitation
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Significant change in appetite
  • Psychosis
  • Suicidal thinking
  • Having a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized

when the clouds open up, you can see all the way to heaven from the depths of hell.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

tonight i realized...

loves the new medication for the broken hearted.

i've got trouble being me
but i've got no troubles loving you

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i'll be more alive than dead

halfway across the country
got the sound of "i love yous" stuck on repeat inside my skull
better halves all around
i'm full of liquid courage and perscription lies
self medicate on love and loathing loneliness
lets fast forward to forever

love x 88mph


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

lighthouse eyes. we'll ride out this storm together.

got a hot rod heart
petal to the metal
got high on hope
lungs and veins full of promise
lets crash
jet lagged brain waves
wanna deport my insides
import some good news to my chest
nightmare head
pull the covers close and your body closer
i've got a smile made of smoke and broken mirrors

you gotta be good to die young


Sunday, July 5, 2009

west coast (mood) swing

gotta get away sometimes. found myself in the desert. no mirage. this is love. fireflies. summer time. got your bed head and wont be the same till i find my way back to your timezone. call home collect and have them save a room for me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


to: you
from: me
subject: fuck this/you/my past/your future

took a cold shower to get the feeling of you off my skin
"out of sight, out of mind"
i always looked at you as pathetic
hold the magnifying glass as high as the drugs in your veins
dont stare at the sun forever
found you on the bathroom floor
another attempt at the afterlife
failure's not flattering
counted your excuses like the slashes on your skin
rising to the top 
blood cell(mates)
"all your cheap words about hearts and accidents"
got the keys to your insecurities
(un)locked and loaded
like your medicine cabinet, i'm better off without you
you showed me what love isn't supposed to be
thank you for being so awful

the truth is I never missed you.  
i never even loved you

Friday, June 5, 2009


shine your eyes down my spine
make me believe in tomorrow
got a bad case of the blues 
drug my conscience through muddy waters
forecasted another sleepless night
"head stopper pill popper"
addicted to the empty bed and cloudy head
homesick homewrecker
anti (no)bodies
starting everyday on the wrong side of the bed
and wrong side of the country


Thursday, May 21, 2009

the mirrors my toughest critic

stich my head to my pillow
keep my dreams in one place for the night
wrapped around your words 
hid my blues in bags under my eyes
falling off ledges and into my eyelids
"it's a night full of pills and a bottle of thrills"
vein vs vain
wish my head had a snooze button
"turn me off and check back in 9"
changing moods and medicines
i'm a whirlwind
youre the weatherman
and you still won't see me coming

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

love wouldn't let me get away

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population.
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

half a heart from half a by timezones away.  if i slept, i'm sure i'd dream of you.  set you watches ahead to catch up to where we've been.
no sleep ever.
hid the blues in bags under my eyes
i'm just not complete without you
kept my conscience locked down to make it this far
alone and strung out on lonliness.
i'll wish across the nation

(clandestine industries x amnesty international exclusive)
the world's got a conscience now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

i'm not afraid of forever

when our love is infinite

tminus 4 days

Sunday, May 3, 2009

i wish...

..that my head had a gps.  so I could get right back to this moment, with this girl, in this timezone.

I had a revelation last night.

My kisses were meant for only your lips.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

homesick for lovesickness

all heart and no sleep. got two rings that shine for you under my eyes. got lonliness down to a science.  got lost under night time skies.  driving while detoxing.  wasted all my gray matter on gray moods.  ive got a bad habit of sniffing out li(n)es with every person i meet.  no one seems to matter but the way you think about us.

I tried to come up with an acronym for l.o.v.e.
all I came up with was y.o.u.

Friday, April 17, 2009

being alone < sleeping with you

this mouth eats happiness and spits out sadness.  found my conscience in the bottom of a bottle of pills stashed on the bathroom floor.  the tile matches your emotions, cold, battered and bruised. i've got a sense of entitlement from being away from the madness for too long.  forgot what it's like to be electric.

i found my smile in the desert. stash it between the clouds and the rays of light breaking through them.  i'll light your skylines up with my hopes.  it's summer all the time.  lightning bugs.  catch me if you can handle me.  

transplanted my thoughts of you from my head to my heart. dowsed them in your perfume. don't forget me.  i won't ever stop you.

got high on a heavy heart.  found love in the bottom of it all.  now this smile glows in the dark.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the best thing i've ever done

was falling in love with you

i cant wait till everyday starts and ends with you.

i love you on repeat forever.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

pulled a nightmare out of my chest...

...and down my spine. poured dreams out of fingertips and onto the keyboard.  witness history behind your eyes. washed all hope(s) down the (d)rain. all words like butterfly (stitches). earned all my bruises the hard way. hoME away from hoME.  sleep sold me out. the right to bear(hug) chARMerS.  Masquerading in the/this game of life. Someone elses skin > my own.

always (a)-okay
(un)loveable  to the bitter end

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


slept a little
missed you a lot


Friday, March 27, 2009

bright smiles x sweet dreams

drunk dialed i to myself
lost focus of life
followed it down the drain
that time regrets became second chances
found the reasons to keep on going on a bathroom floor
no good (bed) head
breaking and entering bedroom windows till i get caught
i get me when im with you
forecasting the blues into a sunset
(com)promise versus forever
developed a habit of wanting to impress you
dressed my wounds for success
put my love on a mixtape
everyone has better words than i do

always cheat the pharmacy.  cut through a dark(er) idea.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

snack attack packer

changing time zones in thirteen days.  lucky numbers come in different packages.  wouldn't you like to believe that everything happens for a reason?

couldnt wait to tell you

i love you

Monday, March 16, 2009

(com)promise to love me

dug some salt out of old wounds
i like the way bitterness tastes compared to how it feels
wore my conscience around my neck
a mere fashion accessory
catching the sparkle in your eyes when you think of me, myself, and i
got a bad case of hasbeens versus the never gonna be
the idea that some part of the world is always awake is comforting.
only if i was there instead of here
followed the (gold) rush right into my veins
chased the high expectations with a low dose of reality

ive got a complex.  i can't ever let happiness creep all the way in.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

exCUsES, excUSEs

been away from love forawhile
homesick the way you looked at me when we took a chance on the same heartbeat
took a sip of the night and got lost in the hangover
i'm addicted to heart attack(er)s and second chances
dazed and confUSED
lied to a psychiatrist
just to get a fix of the truth
overdosing on shooting starts into my veins
bring me back to li(f)e as a romantic
looked in the mirror to measure my vanity
got a few perscriptions to measure my sanity 

sometimes i cant find the words that fit my mood. or other times they just feel worthless and too well rehersed. yet i could never get tired of telling you this.

te AMO
je t'aime
lay ovlay ouyay

Friday, March 6, 2009

commitment vs committed

the truth is i'm only crazy about you

Thursday, March 5, 2009

if at first you dont succeed....

...try try again.

i'm tragically flawed.

i'm sorry.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

prison break night owl

dissected a nightmare
found my conscience
drugged and out of touch
i only want to wrap myself around your waist late at night
lay me down, even if i dont sleep
hit and miss(ing) the zzz's on the snoozzze 
my eyelids are heavy but my head is floating away
going stead(I.L.Y.) down the aisle
kept my hands on the clock
wrist watch(er)
sneaking through bedroom windows till the day i die.
matched the way my fingers type to the sound of my heartbeat
hung myself out to dry on the telephone line
ive got your voice ringing in my ears and on my fingers

sometimes i feel every mile between us.  they all catch up to me at once.  under my eyes and stuck in the back of my throat.  i've gotta sleep just to dream about you.

miss you
love you


Monday, February 23, 2009

baby steps

there's a reason your smile feels so much like at home
got lost in my eyelids
followed the light to from your teeth
our lips matched
roadmaps for the soul
couldn't get you out of my mind even when i tried
(the pills didn't help either)
from friendship bracelets to wedding rings
i'm tired of everything and everyone but you
count my mistakes with you on one wrist
but i wont turn your smile upside down again
wore out the latest excuses
just to come out with a clean conscience
hearts waiting on eachother
time won't stop us now
don't know how else to say it.

i just wanna love you the way you make me love my smile

Thursday, February 19, 2009

need to be needed

found an addiction to bright eyes and high hopes
no one gets inside this head without a passport
got a sharp tongue i keep pressed to the inside of my wrist
shot your love straight through my veins
going strong till the sun rises
gap tooth(less) smile
left my vanity in the past with my twin in the mirror
took a breath between twin 11's (11:11 wishes)
from the middle coast to the west coast
committed myself to commitment
asylum for frauds and liars
need to be need(y)ed

i want you to flip my head inside out so its finally right side up

Monday, February 16, 2009

the truth is

only you make my chest explode with happiness.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

you put the US in trUSt

took a red eye straight to your heart
round trip  with window seats 
carved our names in the skyline
got sick
you're the cure
promises like the rings around my eyes
tried/tired and true (take your pick)
gotta say
you've tried the hardest with me so far

she gets me but i don't get why i'm so lucky.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


my head is spinning
took my pills
you cant escape my mind
hiding behind eyelids and eyelashes
true love valentines
youre the best ive ever known
ive got withdrawl pains 
cant get used to (not) sleeping alone
i was made to be next to you
i wont have it any other way
cant go back to

when you tell me you love me, i know you mean it.  you're not a liar and you're not a fake. you're everything i've ever needed and more.  


Thursday, February 5, 2009

without you...

i'm just (a) hopeless (romantic)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

to you

ive always had a morbid fascination with proving how much i care
cut me open
this heart only beats for you
got a death threat on my chest
sometimes i get so lonely the world stops spinning
my nerves are shot with loneliness 
got a god complex (i dont believe in much)
make the stars jealous with the way falling for you
i l(d)ie a little bit when i'm not talking to you
miss the way you get me

just because i dont sleep doesnt mean i dont dream about you.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

posted an obituary in the classifieds

im a thunderstorm
drowned my sorrows in perscriptions
the doctors cant take away the way you feel in my chest
sunburnt our hearts to our sleeves
(re)possessed my smile
got lost in loneliness 
midnight eyelashes
never slept as well as i did next to you
to a turn on an empty highway
drove into the horizon
i got (get) lost trying to find me
ending up back at you
at the start
full moon kisses on front porches
fireflies as our witness

Thursday, January 29, 2009

lost in space(mountain)

havent slept in days
got a case permanent case of the blues
told me id forget my head if it wasnt attached
sometimes that doesnt seem so bad
looking for some p.i.e.c.e. and q.u.i.e.t. in all the wrong pieces 
see: commitment versus committed 
electrical wiring all gone wrong
crossed (my heart) all the wires in my head
never remember which color to cut
defUSE me
id keep myself hostage
just to see you get out alive

Monday, January 26, 2009

snow globe my home to my head

ive got nothing but honest left behind the baggage i carry under my eyes.  meet me halfway to a new country with the same problems.  
obsessed with the way that light will hit your eyes. it's been too long since i felt the way your smile makes my blood pressure rise.  marked a spot for your body in my arms. put me under a magnifying glass.  watch my love burn.

white wedding day vows.  till death do us part(y)

goodnight beautiful.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

ego mania(c)

keyboard confessional
fee(l)d my words from my chest to your screen
making my finger(s) tip(sy) electric
plug my head into the s(r)ocket
hot air balloons for lungs
fill me up with hot air and watch me go
two way mirrors versus two way streets
i'm a dead end
a never was
we'll clean the slate
just to make it dirty again
the dirt on the top of the coffin
spoiled and rotten heart
bugs eat decay
milligrams eat creativity
i'm a loose canon
shot me to the pharmacy
the doctor wrote me a new chance at life
they filled me up with a conscience
left me without a refill
give me withdraws of you 
i'll shoot you deep inside my veins

i'm a smile without a chance. a night light without a dream. a warning for your heart.  doomed from the start. 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

cant quite keep you out of my mind. maybe i don't want to

took a chance on a red eye
flying the friendly skylines
stuck in waiting rooms
but i'm waiting on no one but you
purgatory smiles
i'll wear you around my eyes (can't forget the way you look in the morning)

my odds versus the chance this is the real
gamble with your heART
sentiMENTAL boys with hearts too big for their heads.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

i've got dirty thoughts to pour down the inside of your ear

Redirect my head to the sunset.  Connect the dots making (your) smile from all the stars.  Tie the knots in my stomach to match the one on your finger (wedding day promises).  This is the type of night that nothing seems to feel right except for your breath on my forehead.  I'd give anything to feel your pulse next to mine.

"Go to sleep baby boy" she whispered into the glowing earpiece.  I'm waiting for the day to share a sunrise with your heart.  Don't worry about me too much.  These circles around my eyes are just badges of honor.  Evidence of the time I've spent thinking of you (sentiMENTAL).  Through this wish into the sea.  Get it lost in the currents.  I'll always find my way back to your smile.

Monday, January 19, 2009

in the dark of night

i sleep better with a warm body next to me instead of a (my) cold heart.  she's got enough perfections to cover up my flaws.

i wouldn't want this to be about anyone else other than YOU

Saturday, January 17, 2009

can't get enough of the way you feel

take your place behind my eyelids. dug a grave so i can sleep for days with you in my dreams.  we're more alive apart than we ever were. this shouldn't be so easy. i've got hot spots in my eyes and sparks in my fingertips.  swallow the moon.  digest the skyline. all we've got is time(zones) on our hands.

i'm still coming for your heart (1,249 miles)


Friday, January 16, 2009

directions to life are on the side of every pill bottle.

getting lost inside a thought.  brain cell(phone) conversations.  call me back or call me out.  i'm coming for your heart.  i won't stop till its all mine.  the house is all in. BETter sorry than apologetic.  we're the mixtape for the mallrats.  don't count me out just yet.

took a trip on a jet plane
palm trees and candy canes
you had me from the start
arrow straight to the heart


Thursday, January 15, 2009

i took a pill and found myself in the want ads

broke the skyline
just to find your time zone
made you smile
in the reflection of a flash
called border(line) patrol
just to make it back in time to pretend to sleep next to you
i've got a big heart
an even bigger ego
the world's spinning
and i'm swooning

took a dip in the big dipper. washed the zolpidem from behind my eyes.  i'm coming to make your heart swell. (21409)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i won't...

let you love me.

but i can teach you how to hate me.

High fives from heaven to hell

Kiss a little bit harder.  Love a little bit longer. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.  It's like thunder in between the lightning behind my eyes.  This is more than high blood pressure, it's a high rise and a chance to jump for a fresh start.

Adorn my soul with scars.  I've got nothing else to prove.

Lip service promises.  We've got nothing but the time behind our backs.  Accept me for the mess that you've helped undo.  I miss the way y(our) eyes meet at midnight.  We wished on starts and shot down the moon for all the world to see.

I can't speak about anything other than truth from behind every lie I've ever told.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Wouldn't know what to do with a sundial.  Put it in reverse.  A metronome for your heart beat.  Put me to sleep or put me out of my misery.  Counting sheep to forget the way you whispered my name.  In the dark is where we're famous.  I'm afraid I'll stay this broken forever.  Super glue your promises to my (wish) bones.  A classicaly trained con-artist.  Steal your heart in the winter.  Gift wrapped in summer time sunsets.  Learning more than I forget about us (me).
i'm sorry i'm just a broken down heart in the form of a broken down boy.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Flirt with disaster.


Friday, January 9, 2009

meet me in your darkest hour. i'll be lighting the way back to us.

I've got my drug of choice.  Lovers and liars.  Mix well before inhaling.  Right into the veins and right into the sunset.  I've got bigger choices to make than choosing between my conscience and the racing blood cells in my chest.  Light my eyelashes on fire with the last puff of your cigarette.  You've got to understand what it feels like to be lost in the light of day to really get the way it feels here right now.  Looking forward to the return of hopelessness.  I've got the pride to say no to the pills and face this head on (collision).  All points bulletin for happiness.  Bottle it and sell to the homeless and unappreciated.  My soul for your collateral.  Desperate times call for indecent measures.  Wear a noose to match the circles under my eyes.

I'd fall asleep anywhere to wake up next to you sometime.

This isnt about the not allowing someone to love you
this is all about not allowing yourself to be loved by someone.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

this is me. ripe and new.

she had two way mirror eyes.  in one ear and out the other. a needle t(p)icking through my veins.  is this love or is this misery? the middle's not that far off.  feeling like a deserted island.  send my loneliness in a bottle.  postmarked from my head to my ribs.

this isn't just a growing pain.
this is growing up.
welcome home dream(er)s

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

out with the old and in with the new

big changes in the life and times of a disaster.
working on my personality, and not my lack thereof
there are things that you've never seen that are headed towards the light
on the wings of moths, headed towards a sure fire(fly) death.
(for all the updates on the relaunch of me and you)
(bread crumb trails from old to new)